Droll…..
— Helen Keller
I can do this
I can achieve my dreams
I can do what I don’t think I can do
I can overcome my fears, burdens, and apprehensions.
I will make this work.
I have to do this.
I will do this.
— Eleanor Roosevelt
I am only human and I cannot heal the pain of the sins committed of those who came before us.
I am only and merely man and I bear not strength on my own but the strength I have in you.
I know you love me and work towards the good of what you have already laid out.
May you banish all such foolishness of my selfish ambitions and false sense of godhood.
I cannot change what has come to pass. Only hold out my hand in faith to offer a helping hand.
And I cannot force my help into anyone’s life, not even my own; for I cannot save myself but am subject to your grace and mercy.
Dear god. Help me to accept what love is. Though my heart is incapacitated by sadness, he didn’t deserve any of that pain and no person should have to carry such a burden of pain alone. We are all human and we all have our limits and flaws. I pray that you may be there for his heart. Remind him he is not alone and there is so much more love that can enrich his heart. Help me not to be weakened by such pain but embrace and overcome the pain that has come into my life and love the man who has given so much of his heart when I was so broken, though I may never know or hear from him again.
And just like that
He dropped out of my life
Without a fight
Without an argument
And without an explanation
Like I didn’t exist
Like I never even happen
Ignoring anything and everything I said
And without any care or concern about me at all anymore
He just dropped out of life like I never happened and didn’t exist anymore…
I wish he would know how much I love him
That at least he would give me the peace of closure
If it is in his will and god’s will for there to be nothing more
…….
Sadness overtakes me
But not my will but your will be done
I love singing.
I love being silly.
I love dancing around.
I love making sounds.
I love expressing myself.
I love connecting with people.
I love roaming free with my heart.
I love showing the insides of my heart.
I love sharing my heart with those who do.
I wish that there would be more hope
that more people could have faith
and that we would all love more
I love love and also everything that makes me sad
that which evokes such sadness and pain in depths of my heart
of a heart so lost, a heart so hurt, a heart so weary, a heart so burdened
a heart in need of hope, a heart desperately holding onto hope for something more.
so why do i say all these things?
haha I just watched the show “Star Audition”, which is a Korean American Idol show. They were rerunning the New York auditions and damn man, I really wish i were there, singing those songs, expressing myself, being the superstar that I am—living my life, taking risks, and doing something with myself.
My life has been on hold—or shall i say, I have been changing into the person that I want to be while learning to let certain things go, and experiencing and living in days of great pain and sorrow with lost emptiness in a grave seemingly-meaningless yet purpose-looking journey to understand and be myself by taking the steps into making what I meant into reality, while also fighting with the darkess of the depth of pain and sorrow for a lost and almost hopeless world, full of such sad, descipable, lost, and hopeless people, which doesn’t exclude myself.
“There is a time for everything” as the great King Solomon writes in his book Ecclessiastes, which I have oddly been drawn to since my youth as it differs from so many of the books of the Bible.
There is truly a time for everything and that does not negate the value of such seasons. What I mean by this is that many people dismiss current situations of sorrow and pain or even happiness and joy as mere seasons, when that’s not the point. Life is what it means to us in the present. It is within that person’s hope for the future and steps taken from the past of growth and understanding that makes that person who they are now. But that does not restrict or even supercede who the person will become in the future, facing unforeseen joys and pains and having to cope with new and different situations everyday.
I know this is not just who i am. I know that there is so much more to me. I feel it deep in my heart everyday. I am often overwhelmed with such great feelings of everything and sometimes just the mere hope for myself and my future and what I can do for the world. I’ve always wanted to change the world and that has never stopped, even though my pursuit of public health has taken a back seat and I as pretty much sure that I am going to go a different route thus forth.
Though I knew I was meant for more, I couldn’t let go of my ambitions for what was smart, what made sense to me. But with everything that’s happened, I realized nothing really makes sense. All you can do is do your best, be true to yourself, and face your heart though there may be so much pain and so much love and so many frustrations and so many fears and so much hope.
You are not who you simply want to be. It is a compilation of becoming that person, while fighting to become such a person, letting go of all that seeks to ruin you within, learning to take a step back from everything, and being honest with yourself—in the pain, in the sorrow, in the surprises, in hope, in faith, in love, in joy, in peace, in turmoil, in challenges, in against all odds—good and bad.
a part of me feels like I never really left korea
but a part of me knows that things have changed
i have changed. my prospects have changed
it is time for a new season.
as the past fades in comparison
to the future that has become my present
and even more so to the future that is to come
a future i cannot predict, a future i cannot make to be
but I am only left with me and who i can—no. who i must
always keep trying to be, keep fighting to overcome
in my pursuit to understand myself and not just
but also so much more of those around me
those who i care to love, and seek to.
